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Hello lj .. Ive not poseted in awhile [02 Mar 2007|12:31am]
[ mood | okay ]

well life is pretty good considering. Im finding my way through all the pains and hurt and some of the pains im putting on myself. I know i shouldnt do that but i dont know how to deal with some things 100% of the time. Im pretty good at dealing with most things but i have recently found that dealing with my mistakes can lead me to a place that i dont want to go. Yes i want to feel bad about making a mistake only because if i didnt it would be heartless for me ,however, to dwell on such things and to make them into something that they may not necessarily be is absurd. I shouldnt dwell on things and try to make them right when i dont have a way to make them right. My mom put it this way: To dwell on it is not good cause it will only make things worse. Leave the past in the past and deal with the present as it comes and dont let the past effect your present.

For the longest time i let my past haunt me a create something in me that closed a portion of who i am off to mast of the people i meet. Now i want people to see how i am and who i am because the more i seem to show people the more they seem to be ok with me. Now is about the time when i should be ok with me and move past this meaningless hurt im putting myself through. I will take this and grow from it. Use it to become a better person and individualize myself.

Oh cruel word listen carefully because i wont say this often if i ever say it again .. but with all sincerity .. Thanks for everything.

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People come and people go [04 Sep 2006|07:27pm]
About a year or so ago i remember thinking that i had never been in any type of serious relasionship so i couldnt understand how it was to actually deal with things associated with it. I felt like i had been passed up/left out of the loop when it came to that. In the past year i have gone through relasionships and have learned things which have opened me up and changed me into what i think is a better person.

I remember a time when i couldnt find the words to say to people and now im looking for people to talk to..lol. Im not trying to prove anything by this or say anything by it. Only that i find it funny how God brings certain people into our lives to teach us about ourselves and to show us things in ourselves that will hinder us from becoming closer to Him. God will send certain people into our lives that will not stay there for long. Only long enough to show us who we are through there eyes and then there gone. You never know however if a person is there to teach you things about yourself or if for only a second or maybe for a lifetime. Through all the hurt and pain and betrayal that these people that come and go bring one thing remains true. God never leaves. Hes always there showing us how He sees us and so we can try to reflect his glory into the lives of other people.
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[14 May 2006|10:57pm]
[ mood | thoughtful ]

once again its been awhile..

I think its funny the way some people deal with things. Some go through things in there life and only see what happened and dont stop to think why it happened and what they can learn from it. I wish sometime i could understand why. Although if we all learned form our mistakes and from the things we go through then how would the divercity of life continue. we are all different and its the differences that make us unique. We are able to make it through the pains and hard ships of this life because of those few people that all sick by us when we need them. Its those select few that say "no matter the cost or the pains or the hardships or the distance or the time or the distruction, I will be there for you not because i have to but because i love you"..

..cherish the people that are close to you because you dont know when they wont be there and the loss of a friend is a pain that is hurtfull to more than just you.

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howdy dooty was a puppet! [20 Apr 2006|07:23pm]
it has certainly been awhile so i thought i would update..

.. I am emencly enjoying my job and i am learning so much. We now have a design team and we are finding our places on the team .. ive been doing alot of the template work. I still have a few things to figure out with that but eh ill get it and become the TEMPLATE MASTER!!!..lol:)

..I am also going to church at HPC every wednesday.. it feels good to go every week and know that i have a home in that church for now.. i met some really col people that go there including lacey :) and her friends there. I want to do something for God. I have to help people!. Its what makes me happy and what i like doing!

..anyway.. other than that i need to figure out a way to better manage my time.
peace out yo!!

p.s. if you read this kelli or josh .. lets hang out soon cause its been awhile and we needs to go chillax somewhere or somethin..hiking perhaps..lol:)
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Ashamed [27 Feb 2006|01:40am]
i returned to church the other day and i loved it and i think i am going to continue to go.

sometimes i do stupid things. i fall for people that dont have the feelings back. i dream of a life i dont need to have. i dont see the whole picture and end up regreting the things i do sometimes. i have to realize that i am not my own. i have to trust Jesus. I have to know that HE isalways here and know that no matter what i do He will always be here. Not only is it about faith but trust and love. Knowing that Jesus loves me and knowing He is there listening and He will provide and bring people into your life. realizeing I need Jesus to live . to get through .. ive been talking to some of my friends about my life and the things ive been through and ive realized that for my age ive been through alot. normal people just dont go through all the things ive been through. Im not saying this to say im better nor am i using it as an excuse for my problems but im saying it so say if not for Jesus there is no way i would be able to get out of bed in the morning, there is no way i would be alive today,there is no way i would be sain. GOd has provided for me and i give all glory to Him. He is my all. My life. Without Him I can do nothing. and with Him All things are possible.

I need to remember that temptation isnt the sin its following and entertaining the thought. Im amazed by the love God has for this world. even though it is filled with such crazy weird and mixed up people He still loves and send people to help whether they accept Him or not. he loves that much. and Im amazed at that. I stive to be that way every day.

GOD IS AMAZING!!!<<oo--get you some!:)
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living in my head today!! [26 Feb 2006|01:10am]
today i realized the things i had with my paw paw. somethings will never be the same. for anyone that doesnt know my paw paw died last october and today we went and cleaned out his apartment and i had a memory of something that was so long ago but seemed i had to do something one last time while i was there.:) it made me smile and realize that i miss him and am sad he is gone.i wasnt really close to him so i never cried. it is sad yes but i dunno i felt like i should but never did. today i saw i didnt have to cry to know that im sad that hes gone. i was in a weird place and i just wish i could turn back time so i could have known him better.:).
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life in its awkward motionless form [25 Jan 2006|01:24am]
i dun feel very good right now.. i dunno. I fell asleep when i got home and woke up and now i cant go back to sleep and i have to go to work in a few hours.
I love my job. the end. its awsome im getting to learn all kinds of new awsome things like flash animation 3d max animation and colfusion.. when im finished learning all this stuff i will be unstoppable..lol. like a super heroes or sumething.. lol.. not really i just want to be good at what i do. i love what i do and learning new things. i need to learn all this stuff though so i can be ireplaceable:).

anyway i still feel like crap and i think im loosing my voice.:-\ i almost coughed up a lung today..lol not really but you know what i mean .. grrr anyway im gonna try to go back to sleep.

oh i didnt go back to church yet but im planning on it . something always seems to come up .. i dunno why .. but anyway im going back cause i need to. i keep getting lost and i need direction in my spirit. maybe you dont understand but ya know what...
... maybe neither do i.

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[23 Jan 2006|12:39am]
i cant sleep and im dead tired. im also sick. i dunno....blah.
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[18 Jan 2006|12:13am]
[ mood | happy ]

well it has certainly been awhile ....
.. new things that are goin on are my new job .. that is really awsome!!!:)
.. im goin to an lalights concert on friday which im really exited about cause i know someone thats going that i want to see:).. who knows how that will go..lol

more on the job .. im really likin it .. i finnally feel like i found somewhere professional .. and where i can grow and love what i do .. and learn .. the company already has really big clients and i think im gonna be working on new templates for the company cause im told the ones they have are dated and they need new ones..but im finnaly happy with my job:)

.. oh and im goin back to church .. i dont know where yet but i am going back.. im ganna try out a few churches that i know of that ive wanted to go to .. and from there its where ever God leads me..

.. i need to get to sleep so i can get used to this new sleep schedule.. lol.. waking up at 6:30 in the morning is turning out to be good and bad.. cause i crash when i get home.... i might have to start drinking coffe or an energy drink..lol..
..butt that all for me for now.. peace

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Finding Direction [09 Jan 2006|12:27am]
[ mood | blank ]

CHills... my head feels like it should hurt but it doesnt. i dunno..maybe i just need sleep. THis new year i need to set something for me to accomplish. i dont want the year to fly by lik elast year. of course there isnt anything i can do about the time situation.. i just kinda feel like i didnt do anything half of the year..like my time was wasted maybe.. it was a good year though. i think im going back to church. i dont know where but i think it is time.

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how and where and when!! [03 Jan 2006|01:22am]
[ mood | content ]

everyday we pass people on the street but do you ever think about what that person is going through? DO you ever stop to think that maybe just maybe you are the one that will plant that seed? i mean what if you are the only person that can reach them? and if you do nuthin then why would you not be held responsible for that persons life?...God has been laying on my heart the heart and souls of many people. im not sure about my future. where it will lead or what ill be doing. I do know this though..three years ago i started writing. three years ago i worte sermons..then they were things i was thinking about and reading. and things i saw. the other day someone i barely know told me someone told them that i was gonna start preaching and that she may have dreamed it. I was speachless because i have thought about it and God is preparing me for something. i dont know what it is but i do know that i will follow His will for my life.

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realization [22 Dec 2005|01:20am]
tonight i found myself in a place i didnt want to be in..not onyl physically but mentally as well. I knew for the longest time that my life was changing not knowing what change was happening.tonight i realized somthing though.I realized that God will let you go into the darkplaces in your life and think that you can hide form Him and He will show you the places you want to go and the things you need to see to make you realize where you are. If this doesnt make any sence to you ...im sorry ..im prolly rambleing right now...i just was sitting there at clicks and i realized that i didnt want to be there and i never really wanted to go there to begin with...i let people influence my life when they shouldnt have. I comprimised myself to make other people happy...i cant do that. everyone has lines draw that they can maybe cross and that they cant cross..i erased mine .they need redrawing..and i think tonight i did that.
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[19 Dec 2005|12:39am]
[ mood | chipper ]

wow what a day.. i got nuthing done ..

..i found out today that this guy in a band may want to use my poetry for songs..which is awsome ..i went out with christen again and had loads of fun we went to see the chronicles of narnia and is it awsome ..i recomend it ..about 9 out 10... or sumthin like that.

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work sux [12 Dec 2005|09:22am]
i just woke up and got ready and called in thinking i had to work today cause umm thats what people do on monday. Or thats what normal people do. Anyway im sitting here ready and come to find out he doesnt want me to come in today cause he had a doctors appointment. THis is soooo stupid and it seems to be getting worse. last week i might have worked 2 days and this is supposed to be a ful time job. this is crap. i hope i get this job with the state. If not then i think im gonna pull my hair out haveing do deal with this. On top of everything this isnt forwarding my career. Even if HIIS buisness takes off and people start wanting websites, i will be building them while he gets the credit and the people promoting him to other people. this sux. im pissed. im out.
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How the Lonely keep the Lovely [08 Dec 2005|02:52am]
[ mood | hopeful ]

well im frustrated about my job still ... im lookin still ... anyway im off like half the week which means less money...grrr...i did find something in the news paper about working with photoshop....but yeah ive been meeting alot of new people and i met some one that seems pretty cool...me n her went out tonight and i had funn..also ..la lights is gonna be at the back door and im goin.. well thats about all.peace out.

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Searching in the Depths [05 Dec 2005|01:18pm]
[ mood | worried ]

the longer i stay the more i want to leave. i wish i could just get out start over somewhere new maybe. i have memories here. some that will stay with me forever, some that i dont want to remember yet always will. The memories are great but some make you think and others i just dont understand.IF only there was a way to forget. or maybe just fix it.

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headache [21 Nov 2005|10:30pm]
[ mood | crappy ]

i have a really bad head ache right now ...my eyes hurt and i feel like going to sleep but i dont want to wake up a few hours later so i think im gonna stay awake a little longer..plus family guy is on so i cant go to sleep yet..lol:)

i hope we can go hiking this weekend...it maybe to cold to go:-\....i hope its not cause i really wanna go hiking and take pictures and hang out..:) anyway ima go laydown so peace out

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you know you want one [18 Nov 2005|02:30am]

i got sonic.... and i dont mean the food...muwahahhahhahha!!!!

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[15 Nov 2005|11:47pm]
how can we understand the reason things happen? so many times we wonder why such bad things happen to us. we ask why is it that we have to go through this and feel so bad. i think everything we are put through is a test to see what we know and a learning experience to see if we will learn from the mistakes we make.i mean what if you never *(insert what youve been through here)* would you really be the werson you are with out that. and if you are someone you dont like did you learn from what you went through? i dunno if this is really how things are but in my mind its how i see it i guess.

p.s. writers block sucks
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crap job [08 Nov 2005|01:06am]
[ mood | annoyed ]

i hate my job...grrrr... istead of my boss asking me to do something he asks "are you gonna leave this like this or change it?" gahhhh...if you want me to change something just ask or tell me ... its not like im not understanding or sumthin..i mean hes paying me so why dont he just tell me what he wants?...owell im leaving cause i have to call every morning to see if i work and i dont get benefits and i have no job security...i know its crap...i gotta get out soon.

anyway i was gonna have a busy weekend but it turns out to be not as busy.. friday im goin to a movie and ssaturday is picture taking fun day and sunday is 3dd ....i was gonna have to work but i dont. its next sunday. I wanna go back to the falls soon. that was fun and i got a new camera soz i can take some awsomer pix...well time for sleep casue i gotta get up and go t o my crap job tommorow.peace out

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